Why do I sometimes feel the need to dwell on things in the past? To continue to learn from them perhaps? To appreciate where it has brought me?
Tonight I am back in 2011 before marriage and when my husband (then boyfriend) and I decided to separate. For some reason I’m dwelling there, on the heartache and misery that it was, on the amicable and oddly friendly breakup that we had.
A very stubborn and self preserving part of me was stoic and doing my best (and failing) to get through every day without feeling the torture of the separation and reminding myself the reasons I gave for removing myself from the 8 year relationship. Some things just weren’t coming back together after a few pitfalls we had. They were solid reasons and looking back we needed the time apart to figure things out.
It was a daily struggle, from waking up alone to logging in the computer and trying very hard to be best friend to this man and hearing about his new relationship to crying or blubbering at empty walls about what was happening. I don’t wish that on anyone. In fact, I’m not sure why I’m sitting here stewing on this, it wasn’t a proud moment of my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling the anger, pain, hurt and resentment I did towards him and myself. Perhaps, instead it’s my mind and heart reminding me of something important that happened. To appreciate that we found our way back and finding out that nothing that happened was irreparable after all.
Maybe it’s just because our first wedding anniversary is approaching so retrospection is called for? I also realized yesterday that we are still repairing some things, it will take time to get us completely together, but it is honestly better than it has ever been. We are stronger, more mature and better equipped.
For anyone going through something like I did in 2011, know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be aware enough to see what you want and grab hold of the hand that comes to help you along the way or the moment that occurs which can turn things.
My turning point? The man stepped up and put everything aside asking if there is any way we can work things out and try again. I didn’t rush to answer, taking my time to think it through. Finally, I had a dream that pushed me over the fence to his side. Ultimately, I put faith in myself, in my sub-conscious to know what I truly want and it came in the form of a dream.
Us, together, happy.