A Look Inside

I am documenting this week on the blog because he is away and I’m feeling the need to analyze it since it tends to be close to the same every time he goes away, no matter if it’s just an overnight or 10 days, I go through these phases.  A disclosure: during all of it there is missing and loving the husband, it doesn’t turn from that so I’m not putting it in the phases below, it’s a given.

The typical course of my time alone:

First part:  (in this case the first 2/3 days)  Yay!  I can eat bad stuff and not feel guilty, watch or read whatever I want and for however long I want, pluck hairs and other unsightly female maintenance things that I try to do in private.  Not leave our home if I don’t want to, cuddle up and shut the world out.  I get the whole bed to myself and maybe order something cheeky for myself on Amazon (or in this case a surprise box but it was only $10 so of course I ordered it!) Almost forgot, binge watching Netflix shows/movies, Hallmark movies, etc.

Second part:  (in this case days 3/4)  Ok, I feel like crap because Dorito’s happened and my stomach isn’t loving it, I’m bloated from sodium intake and didn’t bother showering yesterday.  It’s oddly quiet and I’m starting to wonder why he isn’t pounding me with sappy missing me messages.  Depression starts to hover around.  Every noise keeps me from sleeping well and I am feeling the need to force myself out at least to do some errands…hoping I don’t go overboard shopping and likely won’t because nothing fits or looks right anyway.  Get to the gym and healthier groceries in an effort to break the negative feelings seeping in…plan to do some laundry and clean up a bit but likely won’t happen till Third or Fourth part.  Overwhelming fear of the knowledge that I can easily revert to living on my own and burrowing away from everything and everyone if I gave in to it.

Third part: (in this case days 5/6)   Sadness and self-deprecating self talk starts to push in.  Shoulda, woulda and coulda becomes a discussion in my head and sometimes out loud with myself.  Sorrow and reflection, feelings of unworthiness and failure, disappointment.  Wanting to reach out to someone but feeling nobody is reachable or wanting to bother with me, don’t want to worry the husband so definitely not reaching out to him, plus he should be messaging me more anyway and isn’t (completely irrational).  Wondering if I have a mental illness after all and if I will find my way out this time.  Total lack of motivation.

Fourth part:  (in this case days 6/7)  Realization that Third part was ridiculous and likely just because I was hermitting and not taking care of myself.  Still feeling depression and self-deprecation but knowing its part of my process and time to work on the next phase because it is coming.  Preparation for the final parts and the feeling that the end of my time is approaching and not wanting to waste the opportunity to heal and come out of it a better person.  Get out of the home and do something productive.

Fifth part: (in this case days 8/9)  Introspection.  I feel physically ill.  Why do I do this to myself?  Growth, that’s why.  It’s a tear down kind of thing I think but I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just the way it usually goes.   What do I need to change, improve, get rid of to be a better me?  Getting things accomplished that were put off.  Start to get excited that he is returning soon and at the same time feeling the crunch to make the most of the time to myself, what’s left of it.  (probably a second Dorito moment)  Re-commit to the spiritual habits that may have taken a backseat.

Sixth part:  (in this case final two days)  Excitement that he is returning, clean up, figure out dinner if need be.  Write down the things discovered in Fifth part and starting implementing changes.

Final part:  (most cases lasts a week or so after he returns)  Arrival and re-confirming love.  Feeling reconnected and restored.  New life and breath in our relationship and the relationship with myself.  Knowing the decisions and choices made up till now were thought out and well executed and have put me in the amazing place I am now.  With someone I love immensely and returns it fully, traveling the world which suits my personality and solitude now and then is healing.  Confidence returns, knowing a full, successful life with no regrets has been achieved and continues.  I am where I am supposed to be and just need to work some kinks out to fully be the best possible me but that is forever a work in progress.

Final Assessment of This Me-Time:  This time alone has sparked the part in me that wants to be more of a homemaker in the sense of keeping a tidy home but also in creating a pretty, stylish place to call home no matter where we are. We are about to move into our first real house (not an apartment) so this has added to those inspirations.  This new space will provide a small area where I hope to set up a target and start training myself at throwing knives, I have a set but haven’t had the space for it till now.  On the deeper self-improvement angle I am feeling a real desire to possibly start working on a degree or certification and it’s leaning towards librarian. Will see if I follow through on these.

Time and Energy

I have a fantastic vacation to report about but there’s so much going on right now I’m just not focused in enough to do the trip justice.

With work and trying to squeeze in life stuff, the next couple of weeks is going to be crazy busy.

Ozzfest concert series this weekend!

I feel bad not reading blogs I follow too, I’ll catch up at some point.

Hope your November is fabulous!

Be back for a big Thailand/Malaysia post soon!

Thanks to all who continue to follow and read my blog, it really is kind of a diary for me but it’s much more fulfilling to know that others find it interesting enough to want to know what’s coming next.

Internal Bullet Points

The last few weeks haven’t given me much to blog about with regards to what my blog really centers around –  travel, food, etc.  So, I thought I’d just put my internal conversations down and my thoughts often come off a bit bullet point-ish.  Just a warning to those that actually read my stuff, things bounce around inside my head a lot so there will likely be no flow to this post.

> We went on a day trip this last Sunday to a waterfall area that we had visited last year so I have already shared about that here.

>  I will be stepping down from my Ombudsman position in October.  It will be quite strange to not be Ombudsman to the command for the remainder of our time in Japan. I’m used to being recognized as such.  It will be very different.

>  Also, this week I will be giving notice at my job.  They ask for 60 days at least to find a replacement so I’m doing it now and my last day will be December 15th.  This will give me a couple of months to get last minute travel and soak up as much of Japan as possible before we move.

To be unemployed again will be nice in the sense of free days but not having my own income will kinda suck.  I am kicking around the idea of working from home again but I’ll have to search for the right position and it may mean training, we shall see.  The prospect of a new job in a new area though has it’s positive side.  Meeting people and being able to pick some brains about the area is nice.  Plus it helps in the making friends realm usually.  If I work from home, maybe I’ll volunteer somewhere so I still have the social aspect of a workplace.

>  There’s no update on my missing friend which just seems to weigh down on me constantly.  The idea that life continues when something like that has happened and still is happening seems wrong to me.  I understand there’s likely nothing more anyone can do but there’s a part of me that thinks I should have jumped on a plane and be there searching the mountain and surrounding areas for her and pushing the officials to continue till they find something. To continue questioning the people she was camping with.  It just doesn’t make sense that there is no sign of her anywhere.  How does a person just disappear without a trace?  And the continuation of life around me just has my emotions raw and energy level is drained.   Living so far away sometimes completely sucks.  Regarding My Friend Mary, thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers.

On a very personal note and a very selfish thought, this loss has taken a toll on me in another way.  I keep a fairly small circle of people who have influenced and help(ed) shape who I am and who I want to be and the living sector of this circle is getting quite small.  These are people who live life in a positive and very active way.  I may reflect more on this and friendship in another post, it’s something that I’m focusing on right now and it’s rather distressing to me.

There’s also a lingering sadness that she went missing on my birthday and she had emailed me that day to wish me a happy one…but my brain is not prepared to fully take that thought on yet.

>  In all of the mess of the above, my parents had their wedding anniversary (which I failed to congratulate them on – bad daughter) and sounds like they enjoyed a few days of fun.  I give my Mom credit, at over 80 years old she’s just had knee replacement and though the recovery is incredibly difficult she’s pushing through and toughing it out like a champ.  Hang in there!  When it’s healed you’ll be running marathons … of sorts.

>  Did my lab work last week and waiting for the results.  I have a bad feeling my A1C will be higher this time, I haven’t been very careful lately with watching what I eat but I have been working out more so there’s a chance it’s still an ok number but I’m preparing myself for 6.5.  Hopefully will get the results today.  On the positive, my annual dental exam was a win, no cavities or issues.

>  The next trip we are preparing for is to Hiroshima.  This will be a nice trip but a somber one and it’s an all night drive in a tour bus so that may suck.

>  Autumn is here, I think days of 80+ degree temperatures are gone for the year and this does make me happy.  Back to boots, sweaters and berry toned lipsticks.  I do have to hold myself back from buying new clothes and such for Winter though, with our move to Hawaii coming we won’t be needing cold weather clothes so…for this year I will be wearing what I have and tossing a lot before the move.  Keeping only a few sweaters and such.  This will be a huge clothingdownsizing, yes I’m getting rid of a lot of it.  The main reason is I am focusing on the next time I need cold weather clothes I’ll be a completely different body and nothing I own now will fit me then…not to mention I’ll be due for a style update.

That’s a fairly positive spot to end on don’t you think?

P.S.  My apologies for no photos on this one, it’s not my usual style but I have to run off and get ready for work so… no photos!

My Friend Mary

When I graduated high school my parents gave me a choice to either stay living at home and go to college or go work in my Dad’s office and move into my own place.  For me, the decision was easy.  I was never an academic so college was not something I was looking forward to.  So, in 1991 I began my administrative training at Dad’s real estate office.

I was going in as basic receptionist and my mentor was Mary.  A very eccentric, incredibly smart and very quirky lady almost exactly 10 years older.  She was fun to work with and taught me how to be an office administrator, in fact we became quite good friends during the years working together.  After a few years I moved on to other job opportunities and other locations but Mary and I always kept in touch and have enjoyed a sister-like relationship.

Mary had very blonde hair back in the day and coming from behind her ear was one small braid that usually reached to her waist.  She had a thyroid issue as a child and is one of those people who has to eat consistently or she loses weight.  She’d always been super slender…well until the last couple of years that is.  Over the years her hair slowly became less brightly white and more dirty blonde and she started putting some weight on.

Mary married her high school sweetheart and they were pretty decently happy together, just the two of them.  Her husband was quite a character himself.  Very smart and unusual, I truly enjoyed them.  I use the past tense because her husband was diagnosed with cancer and spent last year fighting a losing battle.  We said goodbye to him and Mary has been struggling with being without him.  I’ve been in contact with her more this year then the last 10, trying to make sure she doesn’t sit in that pit of darkness.  The last month or so she sounded a bit more positive, had made some steps to move forward.  Was getting out and doing things more and had started planning what to do with the rooms in her house after she sorts through everything.

You see, Mary and Shannon (her husband) did everything together.  They were very seldom apart and he did many things for her.  Mary had to figure out how to get the new tags for her car for the first time in her life.  At 52 years old she drove herself out of town to the next city over for the first time alone, to visit her sister.

On September 3rd (2nd on her side of the world) she emailed me wishing me a happy birthday, we had just chatted on the phone the week before when I wished her a happy birthday.Mary

September 4th Mary disappeared.  She had told me she was going on a hike with a group she had been out with before.  Apparently, they went out on the 3rd, camped and when the camp stirred in the morning of the 4th, she was not there.  Her phone and other personal items were in her tent but Mary was nowhere to be found.

http://www.tucsonnewsnow.com/story/29974744/tucson-woman-reported-missing

My thoughts are driving me crazy, what could have happened?  Where is she?  If she had tripped or fell they would have found her by now.  It’s driving me crazy thinking of the different things that may have happened, possibly are still happening.  I just can’t.  Was she kidnapped?  Attacked by an animal?  Some possibilities I honestly don’t want to know but if she is still alive somewhere… where is she!?  10 days now… 10!

And yet the world goes on…I am struggling but have to pretend life is great… for work, command events and for my husband because he does not grasp my emotions beyond the initial response.  I’ve not shared this on social media really either, mostly because I don’t want to bring people down.  So, I’m internalizing my worry and my stress over this and I’m putting on my happy face for everyone around me.  Meanwhile, Mary is missing and I just heard from her family that the authorities are as of today calling off the search.

After writing this, I’ve decided to post this to my Facebook account simply because I have a lot of connections in my hometown (where Mary lives) who may know something.

And now, I’m off to get ready for work and pretend everything is great.