Loved and missed every day.
Yet I feel you with me still.
Loved and missed every day.
Yet I feel you with me still.
It was a holiday celebration at my parent’s house but it wasn’t any house I’ve seen before. It had a breakfast bar with stools and a dining area. A lot of people were around; children, brother, adults, teenagers, and …
Alton Brown. Yes, I said it. Mr. Brown was a guest and he seemed well impressed with the spread my mother put out. He was pleasant and nodded a lot in his certain way with a half smirk.
Way to go Mom! An Alton Brown approved dinner! The only hiccup was that nobody made more coffee so I had to scrounge for some after the meal.
Then, the doorbell rang. Who could that be? Everyone invited was there. Hmm, off I went to the front door with I thought was in a different place then it was but I eventually found it. Some creepy looking guy was stalking the outside porch area and approached me with a greasy look,
kinda like this:
I turned back and shut the door behind me. He lingered there for a bit but I returned to the kitchen.
and then I woke up.
January has brought a lot of high points and some disappointing lows.
High: We have been pet sitting a ferret the past week and it’s been so much fun. He’s the sweetest, best tempered ferret I’ve ever seen. Yes, he gets into things and he poops on our floor but can’t blame him. He’s in a new place and he doesn’t have his big cage to go in.
Low: He goes home soon and we are going to miss him a lot but we aren’t in a position to get a pet at this point but he’s really making us want one.
High: Lots of things to photograph this month including the ferret, a baby shower I helped put together for my friend and nights out.
Low: My cell phone was crashing a lot and I couldn’t take many photos. Picked up the replacement today so hopefully I can start getting more photo memories going.
High: Planning a trip in a couple of weeks back to the states, will visit the parents and some friends. Get to drive my car for a couple of days, been a couple of years!
Low: Visiting a grieving friend which will be hard.
High: We are going skydiving during this trip!
Low: We are going to be jumping out of a perfectly good airplane on this trip! 😀
High: Spending a few days with family and friends I have missed will be wonderful.
Low: Not long enough
High: Got to Skype with my friend last weekend, always fun!
Low: Last few weeks since Christmas have flown by and I have failed in making phone calls to my parents and my grieving friend which has been on my “Things to Work On in 2015 List”… Calling more often.
High: Lost a few pounds since Christmas just by cutting portion sizes a bit and chasing a critter around.
Low: Plantar Fasciitis in my right foot is incredibly uncomfortable and a new addition to my list of ailments. Hopefully, it will go away soon now that I’m stretching it more.
High: Loving Japan
Low: Counting down now to when we leave Japan (we don’t know exactly when yet). We like it so much that a year plus is too close.
High: the Step-daughter wants to come out to live with us.
Low: Her mother is working her evil magic on her and putting ideas in her head to keep her there.
Woke up not feeling well this morning, hoping this is just exhaustion from chasing a little shitter around for a week.
Oh and I’ve decided this year I will be focusing on not complaining so much, internally or vocally. Time to shut up and fix it.
Trust is a strange thing.
Trusting that someone is being honest with the words they say and actions they perform.
For most of my life it seems I do not have trust in people in general. This is likely a personal issue within myself, I find doubt that someone is being honest, upfront, genuine and forthright. Questioning that there is no secret agenda lining the words that are said. Outwardly, I tend to roll with it, inwardly, I question it and prepare for the worst.
To some extent I think this trust issue stems from my online presence over the years. Since 1991 I have been online in chat rooms, now social media and have found myself fascinated with “meeting” people from all over the world and playing games with them, finding connections, common interests and thoughtful discussions. Many people just are not who they portray online and some are doing it maliciously and with very bad intent. Unfortunately, we only find this out after entrusting them with our thoughts and emotions.
I have bipolar issues with online contacts, it seems. I fall in love with the different personalities and stories, lives and emotions of the different people I interact with and at the same time I wonder if they are putting on a show and working an angle or even just portraying a different person then who they really are. After typing that I think to some extent there is nothing wrong with doing that and often it is harmless. Someone who is shy in life can be outspoken online and that can be a great thing that doesn’t cause any trouble. But some do. Someone says something and the person who is acting falls out of character and their true self emerges for an instant, just long enough to leave a mark. We put ourselves out there and those of us who can’t help but feel and connect run the risk of being deflated, disillusioned, disappointed.
GoFundMe ( Beware – Anyone Can Do It) is a site that allows anyone to ask for donations. With donations for causes, I go with my gut. If something reads and seems legitimate and a good cause I’ll donate a little towards it. If I feel someone is just asking for help and not doing anything to help themselves I turn away. I don’t trust donation pleas but I give where I feel comfortable doing so and I am very thankful that we are in a position to do so.
In life, trust is a risk for me as well, not just online. Expectation…is an ugly word and one I’m trying hard to eliminate from my life. To expect someone to act a certain way or react how I need them to without expressing so is just a recipe for disappointment. To trust someone with an emotion or difficult life event without expecting a specific response is something I’m working towards.
Trust in myself that whatever comes, I will tackle it and handle it and continue. Trusting that as long as I am good with me, everything and everyone else is will not effect that. This will also promote better self confidence which I sorely lack.
This is my internal spiritual work for this year.
I have decided to start posting my dreams, they can be rather odd and entertaining…I think. Most of my dreams are in a short movie style or perhaps movie trailer style and I usually see them first person, as me in the dream. I don’t see myself usually unless I’m dreaming about how I specifically look in it.
The following is what I dreamt this morning just before waking up:
I was in a school – seemed like high school but we felt a bit older – and there was a big attack on the city and school.
My graduating class decided as a group to pack all we could into our hiking size backpacks (that we had for some reason on us) and escape East, out of California. The alpha girl who was organizing it all clashed with my real friend in California, Emma, who didn’t want to be led by anyone so I went to try to convince her it was better and safer to be in a group.
I was the last to pack my stuff so the group went on ahead, Emma and I said we’d catch up to them overnight.
We decided since we were behind anyway that we’d run by our parents’ homes to say goodbyes then walk all night to catch up. We went to mine first and told my parents and brothers what was happening, they gave me a few things to take as family heirlooms and we hunted down the small camping tent, shoved as much as we could in our backpacks and made our way to the door to head to Emma’s parent’s home.
Then I woke up.
all of the photos have been linked to the sites I borrowed them from