A Look Inside

I am documenting this week on the blog because he is away and I’m feeling the need to analyze it since it tends to be close to the same every time he goes away, no matter if it’s just an overnight or 10 days, I go through these phases.  A disclosure: during all of it there is missing and loving the husband, it doesn’t turn from that so I’m not putting it in the phases below, it’s a given.

The typical course of my time alone:

First part:  (in this case the first 2/3 days)  Yay!  I can eat bad stuff and not feel guilty, watch or read whatever I want and for however long I want, pluck hairs and other unsightly female maintenance things that I try to do in private.  Not leave our home if I don’t want to, cuddle up and shut the world out.  I get the whole bed to myself and maybe order something cheeky for myself on Amazon (or in this case a surprise box but it was only $10 so of course I ordered it!) Almost forgot, binge watching Netflix shows/movies, Hallmark movies, etc.

Second part:  (in this case days 3/4)  Ok, I feel like crap because Dorito’s happened and my stomach isn’t loving it, I’m bloated from sodium intake and didn’t bother showering yesterday.  It’s oddly quiet and I’m starting to wonder why he isn’t pounding me with sappy missing me messages.  Depression starts to hover around.  Every noise keeps me from sleeping well and I am feeling the need to force myself out at least to do some errands…hoping I don’t go overboard shopping and likely won’t because nothing fits or looks right anyway.  Get to the gym and healthier groceries in an effort to break the negative feelings seeping in…plan to do some laundry and clean up a bit but likely won’t happen till Third or Fourth part.  Overwhelming fear of the knowledge that I can easily revert to living on my own and burrowing away from everything and everyone if I gave in to it.

Third part: (in this case days 5/6)   Sadness and self-deprecating self talk starts to push in.  Shoulda, woulda and coulda becomes a discussion in my head and sometimes out loud with myself.  Sorrow and reflection, feelings of unworthiness and failure, disappointment.  Wanting to reach out to someone but feeling nobody is reachable or wanting to bother with me, don’t want to worry the husband so definitely not reaching out to him, plus he should be messaging me more anyway and isn’t (completely irrational).  Wondering if I have a mental illness after all and if I will find my way out this time.  Total lack of motivation.

Fourth part:  (in this case days 6/7)  Realization that Third part was ridiculous and likely just because I was hermitting and not taking care of myself.  Still feeling depression and self-deprecation but knowing its part of my process and time to work on the next phase because it is coming.  Preparation for the final parts and the feeling that the end of my time is approaching and not wanting to waste the opportunity to heal and come out of it a better person.  Get out of the home and do something productive.

Fifth part: (in this case days 8/9)  Introspection.  I feel physically ill.  Why do I do this to myself?  Growth, that’s why.  It’s a tear down kind of thing I think but I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just the way it usually goes.   What do I need to change, improve, get rid of to be a better me?  Getting things accomplished that were put off.  Start to get excited that he is returning soon and at the same time feeling the crunch to make the most of the time to myself, what’s left of it.  (probably a second Dorito moment)  Re-commit to the spiritual habits that may have taken a backseat.

Sixth part:  (in this case final two days)  Excitement that he is returning, clean up, figure out dinner if need be.  Write down the things discovered in Fifth part and starting implementing changes.

Final part:  (most cases lasts a week or so after he returns)  Arrival and re-confirming love.  Feeling reconnected and restored.  New life and breath in our relationship and the relationship with myself.  Knowing the decisions and choices made up till now were thought out and well executed and have put me in the amazing place I am now.  With someone I love immensely and returns it fully, traveling the world which suits my personality and solitude now and then is healing.  Confidence returns, knowing a full, successful life with no regrets has been achieved and continues.  I am where I am supposed to be and just need to work some kinks out to fully be the best possible me but that is forever a work in progress.

Final Assessment of This Me-Time:  This time alone has sparked the part in me that wants to be more of a homemaker in the sense of keeping a tidy home but also in creating a pretty, stylish place to call home no matter where we are. We are about to move into our first real house (not an apartment) so this has added to those inspirations.  This new space will provide a small area where I hope to set up a target and start training myself at throwing knives, I have a set but haven’t had the space for it till now.  On the deeper self-improvement angle I am feeling a real desire to possibly start working on a degree or certification and it’s leaning towards librarian. Will see if I follow through on these.