March has been a roller coaster. Enjoyed a nice weekend earlier in the month for our 9 year wedding anniversary and were able to see some family which was lovely. And then my best friend since 1986 died from no known causes. We have to wait for toxicology to come back to determine, hopefully, what happened. In late February I had noted a feeling of unease and like I was preparing for something coming, I just felt off. I actually wrote that in a notebook that I came upon last week. Sure enough, that shoe dropped.
I am growing quite experienced in grieving and I hate that. I had a day of absolute falling apart, then I went into zombie mode preparing for a trip to my hometown to see my mother and my friend’s partner to offer any help I could. Typically, a visit home would include a visit with my friend so this trip felt wrong on many levels. Not sure I’ve come out of zombie mode yet to be honest. I get through my days, she is always on my mind. Whether it’s a song, a memory, an urge to text her, not being able to do anything but be available to her partner of 23 years, her adult daughter and 17 yr old son. There won’t be a service but might do something in a year to celebrate her life. It just feels so ended, oddly just blinked and she was gone. And I have no idea what to do with that.
I just feel very heavy, like an invisible weighted blanket is on my head, shoulders and heart.
The one thing I did was paint my nails and I’ll keep them painted for a while in her honor. She was quite known for her long always painted nails. I posted on Facebook asking others to do their nails and post a photo in homage to her. That’s all I can do or think of to do at this point. My brain is exhausted, my heart is ravaged with this on top of trying to heal from losing Dad last year.
This weekend my step-daughter came for a quick visit just to get away for a minute. It was nice having her here but I feel a little bad I wasn’t totally myself. She was aware of my situation and didn’t seem phased by my baggy eyes and sometimes forced smiles and it was good to hear she is doing better than the last time we saw her.
So that, in a nutshell, was my March.
A real bummer is we didn’t take a lot of photos when we were getting together, we were having too much fun or deep in conversation usually.
It’s a full moon tonight and I’m prepping for April.