An Open Letter to My Thighs

I got this format from another blogger, Rarasaur it’s like AdLibs, fill in the blank style.

So I Went Undercover has offered up this letter template for anyone willing to play along! Simply fill in the blanks (in bold) with your own words– a write an open letter to the world! It’s all supposed to be in good humor, so nothing that will hurt anyone’s feelings for real, alright? http://soiwentundercover.wordpress.com/2013/08/22/open-letter-ad-libs/

Dear Inner Thigh Fat,

I have been trying to forget that I feel this way for quite a while, but I can’t pretend anymore.  I am really chafed.  You know when you rub together?  Well, let me share how that makes me feel…  When you meet in the middle, I feel unsuccessful in my working out endeavors.  Not so much as an inch or even centimeter, but really, really rubbing together and chafing.  It makes me want to scream WHY! WHY can’t you just go away.  I would like to think that I am not the only one who feels this way.  As a matter of fact, you know the people at the gym?  Well they told me that they can see my fatty thighs when I’m on the elliptical.

You know what they say:  If one person says you’re a cottage cheese thigh, you can forget it.  When two people say you’re a lunging loser because of your thighs, you might want to consider it.  When three people say you’re a chafing disaster, you might want to go get liposuction.  It’s about that time for you, Thunder Thighs.  Think about that.

Since we are being so honest, there are a few other things I would like to air.  I hate it when you make it impossible for me to cross my legs when sitting.  It makes me feel less of a lady.

I also hate the way you cause my pants to have those little bumps in the crotch area.  Every time you touch I want to put on some ugly sweat shorts and laugh in your face but you don’t have a face, just cellulite and fat.

Also, spandex is not your real friend.  Remember that secret that you shared?  Well it shared it with everyone.  Now everyone knows you are a pathetic piece of flesh that can’t be awesome on your own and they all laugh at you behind your back.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.  I really like you.  I value our relationship.  But I cannot go on pretending the welts and rashes haven’t happened.  If you care enough about me and this relationship, I am sure you would agree to back off, slim down and let me wear skirts and dresses without hose or shorts underneath to put a barrier between you.

Still friends?

Fondly,

The rest of the body that is Diana