The loop-d-loop

Amazing!  Happy!  Joyful!  Exuberant!  Energetic!  Healthier!  In-Love! 

For the past year or so those have been the words I would use to describe my life.  Pretty darn good.  Everything came together finally, after 39 years of trying to figure this life thing out.

The roller coaster heads for a loop..

Sad, Lonely, Fatigued, Quiet, Depressed, Unsure

For the past week or so those have been the words I would use to describe my feelings.  Notice I didn’t say life as I did above.  This is because  now I recognize that for one week or so a year I am allowing myself to glimpse into the pit of despair that prior to this last year consumed my life and livelihood since 2005.  The difference this year is that I am not allowing myself to stay in that deep dark hole of muck.

What is special about this week?  Well, on the 15th of April, 2005 my brother was in a car accident that took his life and my world crumbled.  Every year since, this week has proven to be very difficult for me, except for last year.  I was so busy with reconciling with my now husband and getting our lives back on track that the day passed without my realizing it till the 16th.  I was mortified that it could go by without affecting me and it caught up that next day, with a vengeance.  I felt horrible for not giving the gruesome, horrible day it’s due mournful, black fog that it normally got from me.  I felt I had betrayed my brother’s memory by not acknowledging the day.  Then I went to sleep and the 17th was life, normal again.

This year however, it snuck up on me.  Several days before the 15th I started feeling sad, lonely, fatigued, depressed, unsure and couldn’t figure out why.  I’m happy with my marriage, life, being in Japan is fabulous, I’m enjoying my new friends and though a little stressed and nervous about getting back to working again – when they finally process everything – feeling pretty good about where I am.  So, why the tight throat and fighting back tears?  Don’t know…just pushed through it.  The weekend had me lacking energy and want to do much of anything.  Then it all hit me late Sunday night.  Oh…tomorrow is the 15th.  It all makes sense now.  How strange though that it crept up on me like it did.  Previous years I was fully aware of why I was feeling such negative things during this time, in fact I was so disturbed that I welcomed and quite possibly amplified it.  This year it hit without warning or forethought.

The 15th came, not wanting to socialize or even get on the internet.  Not caring to watch t.v.  I sat myself in front of the computer and gamed all morning, then parked myself and read the rest of the day.  Distraction, extraordinaire.

Yesterday, the 16th here, I woke up to find out a tragedy had hit Boston and was consumed with that all day.  Didn’t exactly help with the negativity.  Oddly enough what did help was preparing dinner.  I made albondigas soup which takes a bit of preparing, make the meatballs then the soup, then combine it.  After a few hours of that and eating the end product with gusto I felt things getting back to normal inside.   A friend posted wanting to go sight-seeing today and I jumped on it. Yes!  I need to get out and have some fun.

I’m happy to report that I was feeling better this morning and looking forward to going exploring.  However, my numbers were not good.  Fasting blood glucose was 143, which is extremely high for me.  I’ve been averaging around 110-115.  So, the past few days have taken their toll.

In conclusion and after giving this some thought I think dedicating a few days to remember and honor my brother is healthy and though it took a bit of a dark turn this time I think next year I will go into it on a positive note and with intent.  Perhaps do something to mark the day, definitely meditate and possibly journal some rather than allowing the morose to take over.

I recognize that my spirit needs to do this if after eight years it comes without thought, I’m taking that to be a sign that I need to do something to honor him or maybe my relationship with him.  This will become part of my spiritual renovation.  Planning ahead every year to pay him respect and remembrance with intent and in a positive light.  As I do with ancestors.

And so here I turn to you dear reader, to help me along this journey and perhaps offer ideas on how to celebrate my brother each year instead of mourning his death.