Trust In Myself

Trust is a strange thing.

Trusting that someone is being honest with the words they say and actions they perform.

For most of my life it seems I do not have trust in people in general.  This is likely a personal issue within myself, I find doubt that someone is being honest, upfront, genuine and forthright.  Questioning that there is no secret agenda lining the words that are said.  Outwardly, I tend to roll with it, inwardly, I question it and prepare for the worst.

To some extent I think this trust issue stems from my online presence over the years.   Since 1991 I have been online in chat rooms, now social media and have found myself fascinated with “meeting” people from all over the world and playing games with them, finding connections, common interests and thoughtful discussions.  Many people just are not who they portray online and some are doing it maliciously and with very bad intent.  Unfortunately, we only find this out after entrusting them with our thoughts and emotions.

I have bipolar issues with online contacts, it seems.  I fall in love with the different personalities and stories, lives and emotions of the different people I interact with and at the same time I wonder if they are putting on a show and working an angle or even just portraying a different person then who they really are.  After typing that I think to some extent there is nothing wrong with doing that and often it is harmless.  Someone who is shy in life can be outspoken online and that can be a great thing that doesn’t cause any trouble.  But some do.  Someone says something and the person who is acting falls out of character and their true self emerges for an instant, just long enough to leave a mark.  We put ourselves out there and those of us who can’t help but feel and connect run the risk of being deflated, disillusioned, disappointed.

GoFundMe ( Beware – Anyone Can Do It) is a site that allows anyone to ask for donations.  With donations for causes, I go with my gut.  If something reads and seems legitimate and a good cause I’ll donate a little towards it.  If I feel someone is just asking for help and not doing anything to help themselves I turn away.  I don’t trust donation pleas but I give where I feel comfortable doing so and I am very thankful that we are in a position to do so.

In life, trust is a risk for me as well, not just online.  Expectation…is an ugly word and one I’m trying hard to eliminate from my life.  To expect someone to act a certain way or react how I need them to without expressing so is just a recipe for disappointment.  To trust someone with an emotion or difficult life event without expecting a specific response is something I’m working towards.

Trust in myself that whatever comes, I will tackle it and handle it and continue.  Trusting that as long as I am good with me, everything and everyone else is will not effect that.  This will also promote better self confidence which I sorely lack.

This is my internal spiritual work for this year.

 

 

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